sayaw
Friday, June 29, 2007
masarap pala sumayaw. masarap sumabay sa takbo ng musika, sa ritmo, sa saliw ng iba't ibang instrumentong bumubuo ng isang magandang kantang pansayaw. masarap sumabay sa sayaw ng ballroom. ng modern jazz. ng panahon. ng pag-ibig. ng pagkakaibigan. ng buhay.
nakita ko siyang sumayaw sa saliw ng isang kantang masarap pakinggan. hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. napasayaw din ako. hindi ko alam kung naging maganda ang sayaw ko. basta ang alam ko, kapag sumasabay ako sa sayaw niya, nagiging totoo ako sa galaw ng mga paa ko, sa wagayway ng aking mga kamay...
hindi nagtagal, kelangan kong tumigil pagsayaw, dahil tumigil na rin siya. nag-alala ko dahil baka naapakan ko ang paa niya, o nahampas siya ng malilikot kong kamay. basta tumigil siya. kaya tumigil rin ako. sasayaw pa kaya uli kame?
nung isang gabi lang, naisulat ko ang dahilan kung baket ako sumayaw kasabay niya, at ang dahilan kung baket dapat hindi na ako sumayaw ule na kasama niya. nagtaka ako sa naisulat ko... na pinaniniwalaan ko naman. mas marami ang dahilan kung baket hindi na ako dapat sumayaw kasama niya. ganon sigyro talaga. magkaiba kami ng sayaw. may sarili siyang sayaw na marahil hindi ako kabilang. isang sayaw na hindi sinasayaw nang may kapareha, o sinasayaw nang iba ang kapareha. isang tao marahil na mas magaling sumayaw. pang-CADs ba?!
kahit ganon, para sa kin masarap pa ring sumayaw. maraming beses nang sumkit ang hita ko, ang kasukasuhan ko, hiningal ako. pero sasayaw pa rin ako. masarap yun e.
Haizell
6:07 AM
unimportant
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
lately people seem to make me feel unimportant. and I feel unimportant today. hopefully, not tomorrow. but when they do it again, I’ll surely feel worthless again.
I have been walking on corridors and streets head down. and I feel like people seem to like it that way. maybe they don’t even notice me walking pass them. some even bump my shoulders and step on my foot and after realizing that there’s a person there, they eventually say “sorry”. I feel like an invisible person. no one can see me. no one can feel my presence.
not all of them disregard me though. there are some who bother to text me or call my name or seat beside me (or maybe because they could not change seat and sit with others whom they want to be beside with) or complement my hair clip or ask me what I want to buy in the cafeteria or my payment for the tricycle fare. they noticed me. (hurray.) I hope that they would still notice me tomorrow.
my friend/blockmate/dormmate went out of our dorm a few minutes ago without even bothering to say “goodbye” or to tell me where she is heading. maybe I look like a bed, or a chair, or a table, a thing which you wouldn’t want to say goodbye to because you might look like a lunatic.
my friends and I prepared a birthday celebration for the eighteenth birthday of a friend and we really tried our very best to please him. he was happy. very happy actually. but when he gave his “thank you’s” to us, he gave he’s very appreciative gestures to all the people there, except me. maybe it’s just me. but that was what I felt. it seemed like all had done a great job except Haizell who was just there. was she even there?
and when I asked a favor to a friend, he seemed to be not hearing anything. well it was an easy favor: just to have my pre-lab passed with his and others pre-lab because they are going there anyway. well, I just passed it myself anyway. atleast I don’t have to say “thank you” that seemed to be a lost phrase I have never ever heard for centuries.
I went to the church after my class today to make myself feel better. I prayed and asked for forgiveness if there are some things I’ve done wrong so that I wont blame others for making me feel unimportant, or maybe some things i did that triggered them to disregard me. I guess it didn’t help because I still feel unimportant.
I wanted to talk to somebody about my feelings. maybe someone can help me uplift myself. maybe that person would make me realize that it is just in my head, that people care for me and appreciate the things I do. but something always hinders me. realizing that it is just in my head would make me feel stupid, because I make little things such a big fuss. so I just chose to pour my feelings in a keyboard, in a monitor, which would not comment on my foolishness.
I chose to post this, not to make the persons (you) who might read this feel guilty of their (your) actions or to pity me or to look down on me, but to make them (you) realize that it isn’t “cool” to disregard people. it isn’t a little thing to forget to say “goodbye” or thank you”. it isn’t stupid or petty to show people that you really appreciate what they do. it isn’t a simple thing when you disregard the person sitting beside you, or in front of you, or behind you. for some, it really means something. for some, it’s a big thing. for some, it is the best expression of their worth and how you appreciate the things they do. for some who felt disregarded before, every gesture of appreciation counts.
and they feel unworthy and unimportant because he/she want you to notice that there is a person like her who care for you, and would make a simple things you do big stuffs. he/she feels worthless because people like you matter to him/her.
doing this first before doing our physics lab report is really satisfying. oh well.
Haizell
4:53 AM
and a self.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
thoughts have been flooding my head. some people may find it very helpful, for they could think about things that confuse them, for they could post, for they could come up with realizations.
i find it weird. and painful. or maybe i just hate these thoughts because i don't like to think about it. or maybe its just the situation. or the weather. or the people around me. or maybe, it's just
me.
the person who is reading this cannot relate to what im saying. he/she might be thinking of my actions these past few days. or who am i with. he/she might be thinking of that thing that bothers me. ye, something's bothering me. but im not sure if he/she can understand. you might say that a friend understands. no. your wrong. a friend
tries to understand even if he/she
cannot. i don't want him/her to try and bother himself/herself with my problems. it sucks when you put your burden to others.
all these thoughts have pushed me to close my mouth and just think. all these thoughts have challenged me to deal with my problems alone. and all these because of the thoughts.
i wouldn't have chosen to post right now if not for these thoughts.
and the person reading these still have no idea of what these thoughts are.
are they wrong?
are they leading me to something bad?
i don't know...
they're just thoughts. some are unwanted. some, i just want to think about.
i don't know if they're wrong. they're just thoughts. ideas. realizations.
this could be the most boring and senseless post i have ever posted.
and at the end of these non-sense collection of words, the person reading this mights find himself/herself losing important minutes of their lives because they tried to read and sympathize with me.
thank you, reader for your time.
time is the best expression of love. and reading this is one of the simplest expression of love for the writer.
express more of your love by spending your time with people who you care about. fill the world with love. im not acting as an adviser here, but please,
make the world better with your love.
as for me, love is giving me painful realizations right now. but i would continue to love. a mother. a father. a brother. a bedridden grandmother. a friend. a dormmate/friend. another dormmate. and another. and another friend (100x). and a subject. and a skill. and a teacher. and a food. and a bear. and a house. and a dorm. and a preserved flower. and a memorable day. and a memorable touch. and a plane going to russia. and the end of july or first week of russia. and a guitar. and a blog. and a reader. and a world. and a universe. and a self.
Haizell
3:26 AM
grammar check
Friday, June 15, 2007
i am not a writer.
but since i was born to know how to write and read, i have learned how to express my feelings through writing.
i write even if my grammar is wrong.
para yang
book. kahit maraming sira (*ahem* tulad ng The Calculus 7) ay patuloy mo pa ring binabasa ang laman nito.
para yang
adobong pusit. kahit mukhang putik at nakadidiri tingnan ang itsura ng pusit, kakainin mo pa rin. e kasi masarap.
para yang
computer. kahit mukhang luma na dahil hinde flat screen, 'yung mouse walang na ngang scroll-down, wala pang cute na ilaw, yung keyboard parang nabubura na yung letters at numbers... gagamitin mo pa rin kasi kailangan mo.
ayoko ko namang umikot ang buong post na ito sa paghahalintulad ng writing sa kung anu-anong bagay... baka kung saan na ako mapunta... ("... para yang tae.... kahit mabaho at nakadidiri, e so what kelangan mong tumae, right?)
malaya kong ginagamit ang parehong language (English at Filipino) na natutuhan ko sa loob ng 18 years na pamumuhay sa earth. pero siguro ang hinde ko gagawin e iyong... "its like i need to make sulat kasi e, to express my niloloob... its like so sosyal!" (ha?! ginawa ko na siya right?!)
siguro kapag marunong na akong mag-French... e mei french na rito....
Grammar Check: ang pagpo-post siguro ay isang paraan para magkaroon ako ng sariling mundong ako lang ang gumagalaw. walang may pakialam. wala akong layunin na magpasikat sa iba o makakuha ng atensiyon dahil sa mga pino-post ko na out-of-this-world. siguro grammar check sa sense na nais ko lang malaman ninyo ang feeling ng maging haizell na mali-mali ang grammar! charuts! gusto ko lang hinde sa grammar umiikot ang post ng isang tao. hehe...
grammar check.
after a while....
check.
(na lang.)
Haizell
5:19 PM
money
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
it was independence day yesterday. and somehow while thinking about the whole independence-thing and its meaning, i thought of how i am doing as an independent girl, a week apart from my family living in our boarding house and later on ten months of living
without a mom physically at our house to go home to.
(yes, you have heard it right.... my mom is going to russia either on the last week of july or first week of august. she will work there for 10 months with my auntie.)
it was one of the worst news i've ever heard from her. a week before she told me about it, we had an argument because she wouldn't allow me to go to my friend's house to have an all-expense-paid swimming with her family. i told her awful things - i tried to find reasons why she would not allow me and reasoned out why i should go. and i did these while screaming on my cellphone. how bad can i get?
later on that day, i realized how bad my actions were. and i texted her how sorry i am for saying such things. she didn't reply.
few days later (i wasn't able to go home that weekend because we had a long test), my dad said that mom went to laguna and stayed there for some days. she went there because she was actually angry at my brother.
when she went home, she texted me to go home that weekend. she said that we were going to talk about an important thing. so i did went home and heard one of the saddest news ever heard by my ears: she is going to work in russia.
before i could even tell her my feelings about this decision of hers, she was already arranging her papers.
a week later, she had her passport in her hands. how am i suppose to stop her now?
it was as if the whole world is revolving in that mere piece of paper with a head on it and that comes with different colors. well, what can i say? people's lives have revolved on that pieces of paper. money has its creepy little hands in our lives that it could destroy relationships, buildings , nature and lives by merely staying in our bank accounts and pockets. and now money is going to seperate my mom from me. how much more does money needs from me?
Haizell
1:04 AM
"mei magulong tao sa katabi ko ngaun"
magulo siya, oo. pero di niya yun sinasadya. pinanganak kasi siyang ganon. parang ako, pinanganak na ganito... cute... ang hirap nga e... kasi pag cute ka pala, maraming hindi cute sa paligid mo. marami ring cute. hai. dats life, rayt?
magulo siya, oo. pero siguro ako lang ang nakakapansin na magulo siya. katabi ko kasi siya. iyon kayang katabi niya sa kanan ay napapansing magulo siya?
magulo siya, oo. pero siguro dahil kilala niya ako, kaya niya ako ginugulo. o baka naman magulo ako kaya nakikigulo rin siya?
magulo siya, oo. may dahilan kaya ang pagiging magulo niya. kasi para sa 'kin, lagi siyang magulo. ginugulo niya ako. pagtahimik ako, magulo siya. pag nakikinig ako, magulo siya. pag nagbabasa ako, magulo pa rin siya. in short, magulo talaga siya.
magulo siya, oo. kapag tahimik siya, ginugulo niya pa rin ako. kapag nakikinig siya, ginugulo niya pa rin ako. kapag nagbabasa siya, ginugulo niya pa rin ako.
magulo siya, oo. ganon siguro talaga kapag cute ka. magulo siya.
magulo siya, oo. ganon din siguro kapag cute rin siya, magulo siya. ginugulo niya ako.
magulo siya, oo. katabi ko pa.
magulo siya, oo. kahit nasa far, far away land xa. e magulo pa rin siya e.
magulo siya, oo. ako kaya nagugulo ko rin siya?
magulo ko rin kaya siya para nagguguluhan na lang kaming dalawa?
o, baka naman magulo lang mundo ko?
o mundo niya?
magulo.
kaw ba naguguluhan?